Externally, the transition from 2015 to 2016 coincided with major events that I am still adjusting to and trying to re-establish emotional equilibrium for. Internally, I've also been so uninspired by my day to day and itching for creativity. So after a particularly unproductive Tuesday morning (skipped class and missed dance practice, sigh), those two parallel paths have merged and compelled me to revive my once active love of
typing shit on the internet blogging through Jiaxin Machine.
I'm aware it's halfway through February and that I'm a little late to do a "year in reflection" type of post, but the calendar year ending feels so trivial to me. December is one of the weirdest times for students, and it's definitely not a time where I want to be doing some long and hard thinking about where I've been and where I'm going. I'm all coked up on caffeine from finals, and then when winter break finally rolls around I'm ready to let my brain melt and do nothing. Eventually, New Year's Eve hits and that's all fun and booze, but alas, nothing really feels quite monumental just because the calendar commands it.
I've settled into 2016 a bit now though, and can definitely say that 2015 was a lot. Lots of highs, lots of lows, and of course lots of mediocre moments in between. From getting my dream job offer in Seattle to breaking up with the boy I loved for 7 years and thought I was going to marry, my heart ran in 1000 different directions in the course of what felt like a very short time. Top that with running a 200+ member student org, increasing social anxiety regarding it being senior year (am I supposed to hang out with everyone on the face of the fucking planet?), and the usual 18 credit course load, I realized that perhaps I should have started seeing the lovely counselor that has helped me re-establish equilibrium sooner.
But above all, 2015 taught me that there is no such thing as a perfect narrative, and striving for one is the silliest thing you can do because they do not exist. Whereas I thought I had forgone a perfect narrative with my grades and career and my personal life was all that I had left to my perfect story, I realized that the story in itself doesn't matter so much and no one really cares. It's okay if your story is nonlinear, ends abruptly, or just doesn't make sense. Indeed, I've realized how this narrative oriented way of living life forces you to continually look back on what's already happened, rather than embracing the objective beauty and reality of being alive every day.
So in a nutshell, 2015 was an attempt at continuing a perfect novel, realizing I was not happy despite the nice story, and then throwing the manuscripts as well as the typewriter away. But 2016 will be vastly different. I am cherishing every day and the raw joy and emotions of being alive. Maybe I'll write a few things down here and there, but alas, there is truly nothing like the present.